Misc Forum She Wants to Keep the Baby
Supporting someone through pregnancy loss
When someone yous know, such as a friend, family fellow member or colleague, has a miscarriage, or an ectopic or tooth pregnancy, it tin be difficult to know what to say. You might worry about saying the wrong affair, or you lot might feel that it would be ameliorate to say nothing at all.
We've talked to a lot of women and their partners virtually comments they found helpful after pregnancy loss – and the things that they'd prefer people not to say. Anybody's unlike, of course, and what 1 person has appreciated, another has found upsetting. That'due south why it's ever important to listen to the individuals involved and be guided by them.
"Yous don't demand to have experienced miscarriage or say some deeply insightful thing to be helpful, you just need to be honest and ask them to tell you lot what you can practice to help." – Lizzie
Below, you can discover some suggestions about how to support someone who has experienced pregnancy loss. You lot might find our leaflet, Supporting someone you know, helpful too.
Talking about miscarriage and pregnancy loss
Simply say… 'I'm sorry'
Even at the primeval stages of pregnancy, women and their partners often feel a existent connection to their baby, and will grieve for this baby and for the time to come they had imagined. It tin be difficult to find the right words to comfort someone who is experiencing this type of grief, just many people say that just having their loss acknowledged is helpful.
You lot might want to say:
"I'm very sorry that you take lost your baby."
"This must be really difficult for you."
Or even:
"I don't know what to say."
"When I went back to work I still call up people who said 'I'1000 distressing, information technology must be awful are you okay?' That is all people demand to say. Information technology is a bereavement. People mistake it for something different, but you are dealing with the loss of someone who meant the world to you and it needs to exist treated with the same level of empathy." – Paul
Things not to say
Occasionally comments that you brand with the best of intentions, may upset someone who has experienced a miscarriage. Often these are comments that effort to explain or rationalise the miscarriage, or put a positive spin on it.
Some examples might be:
"Don't worry, you're young. You can always have another baby."
"It wasn't meant to be."
"It was probably for the best."
"At least you accept other children."
"I don't want to hear any comment that starts with the words 'at least'. 'At to the lowest degree yous are young', 'at to the lowest degree you tin conceive', or, for me the worst one, 'at least information technology wasn't a real babe yet.' All I wanted was for someone to give me a hug and admit what had happened." – Amy
If you can't find the words
You might be able to support someone just by sitting and listening to them talk, or giving them a hug. Sometimes actions rather than words are the best and simplest means of providing condolement. If you – or they – are still cautious about social distancing, video calls, ordinary calls and text messages (e.g. 'I'm sending you a hug') can brand a real difference when people may be feeling peculiarly isolated.
You can download one of our Virtual Hugs to send to someone on your telephone and let them know that yous're thinking of them.
"I but wanted someone to talk to and heed to me." – Michelle
You might desire to offering to practise something practical to assistance, such as pick up shopping or take around a repast. 
Or you might similar to buy them a specialist pregnancy loss card, like this 1, bachelor in Card Manufacturing plant stores or online here.
Keeping in affect
Yous might think it's best to give people infinite and privacy afterward a pregnancy loss, but this may exit them feeling isolated. If you're not certain, peradventure you could send a carte or a brief text or email just to permit them know you're thinking of them.
Difficult situations
It can exist difficult to know how to support someone who has had repeated losses. Yous may feel there's nothing else yous can say, or perchance you lot think they may exist less upset this time circular. In fact, they'll probably appreciate your back up even more than.
"With each miscarriage, people were finding information technology more difficult to know what to say. They found it easier not to say anything…" – Caroline
If yous are pregnant or have a young kid yourself, you may wonder whether you should visit. Afterward a pregnancy loss, some people volition find the sight of pregnant women and babies upsetting, but that's not the case for everyone. Perhaps you could transport a carte du jour or a text and check how they feel earlier visiting.
Information technology can also be a very difficult and confusing time when someone is pregnant again after loss. We shared some ideas about how you might support someone who'due south pregnant after loss when talking to BBC Radio 4 Adult female's Hour, which y'all can read nearly here.
Pregnancy loss and mental health
Some people discover that pregnancy loss tin cause, or worsen, mental health problems. You may find it even harder to know how to offering the right back up. Here are some boosted things to think about.
People told us that seeking professional assistance sometimes feels overwhelming. You could help them decide what they want to say, or offer to come with them to appointments. Information technology may assistance to research support options, observe contact details and make phone calls. Mind has some good data on supporting someone to seek help.
They may behave in ways that y'all find upsetting or hurtful. People often take difficult feelings out on the people they are close to. Remind yourself that information technology's these emotions speaking right now – non them.
Your own wellbeing is important also. Talk to someone you lot trust, enquire for assist if you lot need information technology and brand sure you take time for yourself.
It may also help to read our information on looking subsequently your mental health during and after pregnancy loss.
Talking to the Miscarriage Association
If you lot'd like further advice on supporting someone you lot know through pregnancy loss, you tin call the Miscarriage Association helpline, or y'all can contact us through Live chat, past email or past mail.
Phone: 01924 200799 (Monday to Friday, 9am-4pm)
Email:info@miscarriageassociation.org.britain
Address: 17 Wentworth Terrace, Wakefield WF1 3QW.
Personal experiences
Click on the links below to read the full stories from the women and men whose quotes appear on this folio.
- Lizzie
- Paul
- Amy
- Michelle
- Caroline
You can also read about others' experiences in the Your Stories section of our website.
Source: https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/your-feelings/supporting-someone-through-pregnancy-loss/
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